I Am Not Weak!

I Am Not Weak!

I sit here in awe as I realize we've completed the first week of 2022. Just like that, in a blink of an eye, the first week of the year is done.

It’s also crazy to think that my last blog post was posted back in June! The great news is that I started getting better around August where my headaches occurred less frequently and were less intense which allowed me to start working again. With God’s grace, I was able to start working full time by October and I couldn’t be any happier to be (somewhat) back on my feet! 

The reason that this first week went by in a blink of an eye is because my family had caught COVID-19 during the Holidays. As we continue to recover and heal from the virus, here’s some things that I’ve learned from having COVID-19: 

  • It affects everyone differently. You don’t need to feel worse about yourself if your symptoms are worse than everyone around you.
  • There is great anxiety that overcomes you when you realize you finally have this virus that has been taking over the whole world. But, you don’t need to stay anxious or fearful.
  • You can still feel lonely and isolated, even though you know you are definitely not the only one with it. It’s okay, it makes sense. We’re living in an anxiety provoking time.
  • Nothing else really matters to you when you have a fever of 103 F but you just need to remember that this too shall pass and tomorrow is a new day.
  • Your friends and family are still there – talk to them and tell them how you feel and what you’re going through.
  • You’re too tired to do anything? Great! GET. SOME. REST.

I got to a really low point this week where I looked in the mirror and asked myself, “Why are you so weak?”. “Why is it that you’re always sick?” “WHY?!”

The amount of things that were wrong with me this past year alone has been a real struggle and has been incredibly frustrating. I’ve felt like my body has really let me down… but I guess it could be worse right? And I mean, how dare I think this way because I have access to healthcare and resources to help me through all these health issues… 

And then I realized that I’ve been caught in a trap.

I’ve been caught in a trap that is so toxic that it’s become normal to blame myself for the pain and struggles that my body has been going through and then, I feel even more worse for “complaining”. I’ve learned to blame myself for the migraines and headaches that I still experience because ‘I was too stubborn in the past’ and I even blamed myself for why “I was the most sick” in my house with COVID-19.

But, why do I blame myself? Maybe this is the ‘why’ that I need to be asking myself and the ‘why’ that actually matters.

Now I’m not an expert on suffering but I do know that everyone’s pain is unique and that the worst pain of all is when in the middle of our storm, even God feels so far away. Distant. Uninvolved. Not there.

You might be in that place right now, feeling like you’re trapped in the dark — like God has left you. Whatever it is that you are facing, I want to remind you that you are not alone in feeling alone. This feeling is not a weakness or a sign of your lack of faith.

I’ve been trapped into believing that I’m weak; that I will forever live in despair because of what I’ve gone through in my past. I blame myself for not dealing with things the right way and now I’m left to suffer. I’ve been trapped from the truth that I am STILL healing and now every time I get any kind of sickness, I repeat these lies to myself – that this is all I can and ever will be – that I’ll somehow always have a health problem and that my body sucks.

The truth is that these types of situations are meant to build us up, not tear us down. I almost forgot as I became trapped in my own web of lies but I still do believe that there is always purpose in our pain. If you’re like me and you’re also in the midst of your ‘Healing Journey’, I want you to know that it’s up to you if you want to live in despair, dwelling on your problems, or, you can understand that the only way to see progress is to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Again, healing is sadly, not linear but you can surely celebrate the little victories along the way!

As you continue to learn, grow, and mature through your struggles, you are healing a little more. It’s important to remember that it takes a lot time for our brains to work through trauma so continue to be patient with your body. And being sick in any kind of form or situation is not easy but the key to overcoming despair is allowing yourself to go through the motions and accepting your situation when it comes. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Most importantly, keep your mind on the Lord, which will keep your mind at peace. Here’s to 2022 and choosing to continue to trust in God’s plan and dwelling on the truth; I AM NOT WEAK, I AM STILL HEALING.

Back to blog